7:39 pm

“I was afraid, it’s as simple as that. There was this pull between us, this attraction that was already driving me insane, and all I could think about was sitting in a car and crying, because everything I’d ever wanted had blown away in the wind, before I could even know what it felt like. All I could think about was hiding in a bathroom and trying not to scream, because the person I loved and I were in such situation and no one could know. All I could think about was a darkened car and how I hadn’t wanted anything, but I’d felt like there was no going back, and the shame and fury that chased after me for months, the hands shaking and the helplessness. All I could think about was Christmas lights and a party that had everything except the one person I’d been waiting for. A letter that I never sent about promises wished upon summer air and love that you can’t ever make up.

And you were already making me lose control, making my fingers dance over poetry and my head spin with fantasies, and I’d never so much as touched your hand. And my feelings run deeper than anyone I’ve ever met, and they burst and swarm inside of me, while the outside looks like sarcasm and savage humor and wicked glances, because I feel everything too much. And I didn’t want to play games anymore. And I wanted you so badly that it scared me. I was too afraid to let my heart surround my head. Too afraid to let it break again.”